


The Line.

by Dizzy1967



Series: Antwerp is a hell of a place. [2]
Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Alcohol, Fluff and Angst, Forehead Kisses, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:07:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22530715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dizzy1967/pseuds/Dizzy1967
Summary: Theo and boris end up together on the couch.What will they do?
Relationships: Theodore Decker & Boris Pavlikovsky, Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Series: Antwerp is a hell of a place. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621021
Comments: 11
Kudos: 103





	1. Tiptoeing

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope this makes sense lol it was written mostly very late at night in the depths of sleep deprivation.

Theo looked around the neat apartment, the only sign of life being blankets thrown over the back of the couch and a few open books.

"Make yourself comfortable! I will bring drinks." Boris tosses his jacket over a chair and opens the fridge.  
"Are you hungry? I noticed You didn't eat while we were out." Boris said, looking at Theo, who was shrugging his coat off. 

'always noticing'

"something small... I'm not really hungry" Theo said walking to a bookshelf and scanning over some of the titles.

He felt unreasonably awkward.

'its just Boris. You know Boris. calm down.'

After a moment, Boris shuffled in, arms full of beers and popcorn bags, his shirt sleeves rolled up to his elbows. 

"Do you have a movie you would like to watch? I have all sorts."  
Boris set the spread of snacks and drinks out and stepped around, gently herding Theo towards the entertainment stand and pulling a drawer open. 

Boris smiled and snacked on some popcorn.  
"You pick one? Or me?" He asked.

Boris wasn't kidding, he had stacks of movies. Classics, animated, horror even romance.  
"You pick." Theo said.

Boris looked for a minute before pulling one out and smiling Brightly.  
"Casablanca? Is good movie."

Theo nods.

Boris started the movie and again, herded Theo to the couch, pushing him down and tossing one of the blankets over him.  
"Relax! You being so tense is making me tense, I do not need a headache right now."  
Boris smiled jokingly and dropped down beside him, pulling some blankets over himself and opening a beer.

"...I like your place" Theo said.

Boris looked at him, that same soft look he had in the cafe coming back into his eyes.  
"Thank you, it's too quiet for me though.. don't care for it much." Boris said, leaning against Theo's arm.

Theo ignored the heat that crawled up his neck and settled on his cheeks.

A few more minutes pass before Boris stirs again and twists to look at Theo, resting his chin his Theo's shoulder.

"Do we still have an agreement?" Boris asked softly.

'agreement?'

Theo paused, keeping his face forward.  
"Agreement? What agreement?"

Boris Huff's, warm breath against theo's neck raising goosebumps and bringing back memories of late, warm vegas nights and empty bottles of vodka.

"You promised to tell me again, remember? You are supposed to say you love me before I go to sleep." Boris said, pushing his hand into Theo's and squeezing. 

Theo takes a breath, scooting farther back into the couch.  
"Youre not going to sleep yet."  
He said quietly.

"Potter, I am tired. In a few minutes I will fall asleep. Tell me, please?" Boris said, pushing farther against Theo's side.

'say it, you've said it once, say it again.'

Theo takes in a deep breath and nods.  
"Boris. Love you." 

Boris smiled and turned resting his cheek against theos shoulder.  
"I love you too."

Theo sighed, his insides twisting.  
Something about being back with Boris. Listening to his voice again, knowing that when he said 'i love you' he meant it.

'do you mean it? Boris thinks you mean it. So, do you?'

Theo's lost track of the movie, his eyes stuck drifting between their connected hands and the way boris' curls stick in all directions.

"I love you."  
The words are out before Theo even realizes it.

His eyes widen and he clenches his jaw, face burning as boris sits up.  
He shrinks back, pulling his hand from boris'

'youve crossed the line.'

'you can't say it like that'

"I-" Boris cuts him off.

"I like that. You finally said it like you mean it. Do not say sorry" Boris said softly.  
Too soft. 

The movie was still playing.  
Theo felt his breath catching.  
'there is certainly a line.'

'i get the feeling someone is going to be crossing it'

Boris was still looking at him, his hands holding loosley onto Theo's arm.

"I mean it. I missed you" Boris said. He was inching closer.. well.. maybe just straightening out.. either way, Theo was painfully aware that he was now taller.

The air seemed too thick and maybe Theo should have had more beer, more vodka, more anything. 

"I missed you too"  
An invisible weight pushing words out of Theo's chest. 

Boris is moving impossibly closer, a hand moving to Theo's hair.

"Do you remember, in Vegas, when we were kids?"

Theo kept still.

"We used to share that little bed. I would hold you when you drank too much to keep you from falling."  
Boris said softly.

Theo clenches his fists.  
He didn't know what to say, what to do.  
Running seemed like a very good option.. if only he could move.

"I miss that too." Boris said.

Theo felt his heart pounding in his chest.  
Is Boris sober?

He looked around, half a beer was all that he had drank and unless he had something Without Theo noticing -unlikely, they'd been together since yesterday- he was, in fact, sober. 

"Wh-... Wh-what?" Theo fumbled over his words, overly aware of boris' hand in his hair and his knees against Theo's thigh.

"Holding you. I miss it. That is all I'm trying to say.. how much I miss you" Boris says softly, his hand stroking softly through the back of Theo's hair. 

Theo turns to face him and suddenly remembers why he hadn't done that before.

'too close. Much too close'

Theo's eyes are stuck to boris' smiling lips, soft and pink. 

'too close. Too close'

Boris carefully moves his hand down Theo's cheek, tilting his chin just a little farther, guiding him just a little closer.

'youre tiptoing the line.'

"Yes?"  
It's just a whisper but Theo hears him, sees him say it.

His heart is pounding so hard his ribs hurt, His hands shake.  
"d-dont make me say it."

Boris closes the gap, gently pushing forward and tilting his head.

'line? Crossed.'

Theo kisses back carefully, mind and heart racing.

'what are you doing!'

'thats Boris! Boris is a boy! Youre a boy! Boys don't cuddle and hold hands and tell each other I love you! Boys don't kiss!'

Boris pulls back slowly and Theo sucks in a Shakey breath, face burning and fists gripping tightly to the fabric of his pants.

"Potter.. you okay?" He asks gently.

Theo looks at him.

'dont ask that. Don't make me think of that. Just do it again.'

Boris smiles and like he can read Theo's mind leans in again.

His hands move to Theo's waist and pull gently. 

Theo pulls back again and boris frowns.

"Turn this way, yes? So I can hold you." Boris says. It's more of an instruction than it is a question. 

Theo turns carefully.  
he feels jittery, like if he stops to think he'll shatter.

'dont think. Don't think.'

Boris smiles and again, guides Theo closer by the waist.  
Placing him between boris' knees.

Boris is peppering kisses over theo's face and neck saying things that make Theo's heart race and face burn.

"You know, I like having you here." Boris said, voice rumbling against Theo's jaw.  
"Under my hands and lips."

Theo shuddered flinching back slightly. His thoughts starting to catch up.

'boys don't talk to boys like that.'

Boris only moved closer, guiding Theo back as he moved onto his lap.  
His hands are soft. 

'boys don't touch other boys like this'

"Boris-" he's cut off.

"I know, you are... scared." Boris looks at him with soft eyes and flushed cheeks.  
"You used to get scared when we were kids too. I tell you what I told you then, I love you. It is okay.

Boris leans down again, kissing Theo softly.

Theo raises his hands, pushing them into boris' hair. Soft curls and warm lips.

'it is okay.'

'it is okay.'

'it is not okay.'

Theo shifts, his insides twisting. Dizzy with the conflict of want and disgust.

"Potter, I love you." Boris mumbled between kisses.

'i love you.'

'i love you!'

Theo's hands go to boris' waist, grabbing his shirt and pulling him closer.  
"I love you" he said, lips against boris temple as he trailed kisses down Theo's cheek. He felt Boris smile.

Boris pulled theos shirt up, untucking it and smiling as Theo's arms hooked around his neck.

Theo shuddered at the feeling of boris' hands creeping under his shirt. 

The kiss shifted from soft and tender to more heated and wanting.

'want'

'i want Boris'

'you shouldn't want boris'

'i do though. I want boris.'

Theo pulled him closer and boris started undoing his shirt buttons.

Theo flinches, pulling back.  
"no, Boris I dont-.."

'dont what?'

Boris looks at him and smiles.  
"I will not push you all the way. I just... Want to feel that you are here. Warm skin on mine, I will not do anything you don't want to." He said quietly, fingertips brushing over theo's collar bone.

Theo shuddered.  
"I cant-.. go all the way. Ok-okay?"  
His face burned at the thought alone.  
Boris seeing him like that, Boris knowing how Theo really felt about him.

"That is okay. I do not want you to regret this.. to regret me. I want you to be happy." Boris said, placing a little kiss on Theo's nose and another one on his forehead.

Theo let his eyes close and pulled Boris back down towards his lips.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE to apologise.  
> 😬😓 I'm sooooo bad at writing smut. like oh lawd it's awful.  
> Please forgive me.

Boris held a shirt out to Theo, smiling and pulling out a shirt of his own. 

"You take this, get comfortable. Dress clothes are not good to sleep in." He said.

Theo took the shirt and nodded slowly, his mind wandering back to the couch, what would happen in boris' bed?  
He'd said he wouldn't push Theo to do anything.. he almost wished he would.

"Where is the bathroom?" Theo asked.

Boris was already unbuttoning his shirt and shrugging it off.  
"Down the hall, it's the last door." He said 

Theo's eyes stuck to his chest and the bandage around his arm.  
He clanched the fabric of the shirt tighter and crept forward a step or two.  
"Is your arm okay?"  
He asked, tapping his glasses back up.

Boris pauses, looks at the bandage with a raised eyebrow like he'd forgotten about it.  
"Yes. Still a little sore sometimes, but is okay." 

Theo took another step forward.  
"Can.. can I see it?"

Boris pulled the shirt on and shrugged.  
"If you want. It's not pretty though." He said 

Theo nodded quickly and closed the distance between them, watching as boris gently unwrapped the bandage.

The gash was a dark red, a purple and greenish bruise blossoming outward.

Theo felt his chest tighten.

'this is your fault. It's because of you he got hurt.'

"Im so sorry.." Theo muttered, scrunching his nose in an effort to hold back the tears that were all too ready to pour down his face.

Boris looked at him.  
"It's not your fault, you don't have anything to say sorry for. It is... A known hazard in this line of work." He said and nudged Theo's chin with his knuckles. 

Theo flinched away.  
"It is, if it wasn't.. wasn't for me and that stupid painting. You wouldn't have been there.. you wouldn't have gotten hurt." 

Boris scowled and moved placing his hands in either side of Theo's face guiding him forward so their foreheads touch.  
"Potter, listen to me. I need you to understand and believe me when I say, I am okay. It is not your fault. Do not blame yourself. Do you understand?"

Theo stayed quiet.

"Say after me. 'boris is okay.'"  
Boris squishes his cheeks.

"Boris is okay." Theo muttered.

"Again. 'it is not my fault.'"  
Boris says.

Theo's mouth goes dry and he shakes his head, making Boris squish his cheeks again.

"No! Potter, say it. I will not let go until you do."  
Boris says firmly.

Theo inches closer until his shoes knock against boris'.  
"It is not my fault." His voice is quiet.

Boris smiles and quickly kisses his forehead before letting him go.  
"Now believe it." Boris said firmly.

Theo nodded slowly, the ghost of boris' kiss bringing blush to his face.  
"Im going to get cleaned up." 

Boris nodded and fell back into his bed with a sigh.

Theo stared at himself in the bathroom mirror and flushed, his eyes pausing on a light red mark on his neck, just above his shoulder.

'boris did that.'

'you let Boris do that.'

'would Boris do that again?'

He pulled the shirt on quickly and pushed his glasses back up avoiding the mirror as he left.

Boris was already sitting on the bed tucked under the blankets.

"Boris.. i-.." he stopped when he caught boris staring at him. His face flushed as he followed his gaze. 

"Come here." Boris said, waving him over.

Theo complied, unsure of what else to do.  
He sat down in front of boris and kept his eyes ahead feeling unreasonably stiff.

"Turn this way, Potter." Boris said.

Theo turned, keeping his eyes on boris' hands. 

Boris raised a hand and tugged at the neck of Theo's shirt, he laughed, making Theo scowl.  
"I did not mean to leave evidence." Boris said smiling.

Theo blushed shrugging Boris off of him.  
"Well... You did." He said.

Boris smiled and leaned closer.  
"You do not seem very angry."  
There was something in his tone that made Theo's insides twist up.  
"Would you get angry if I left another?" 

'how is he so blunt?'

Theo's heart jumped.  
"I-.." 

'would you?'

'would you really?'

'its disgusting.'

'you want to remember though.'

'youre dirty. You want to remember the things he does to you.'

Boris crossed his legs and leaned closer. Waiting for theo's answer.

"I... I don't think you would." Boris said. He pressed closer, crowding Theo backwards.

Theo went easily, allowing boris to hover over him, hands on either side of Theo's head.

'you always go easily for Boris. You would do anything he asked you to do' 

Theo's gaze drifted from boris' lips to where his shirt collar dipped.  
He felt like he was burning. Overheating just beneath his skin. 

"Is this okay?" Boris asked carefully. 

Theo's hands were shaking, for the second time that night.  
"Yes" 

Boris leaned closer kissing Theo's cheek and moving slowly to his chin and then up to his lips.

Theo would never get over it.  
The warmth and feel of boris' lips against his own.  
Something that made him sick with shame if he thought to much about, but also something he ached for. 

He melted against the matress, eyes fluttering closed.

'filthy.'

'perfect.'

Boris kissed down his throat, tugging lightly on Theo's shirt collar.  
"Will it make you angry?" He asked quietly. 

Theo shook his head before he had time to think.  
To think of what it meant.

Boris smiles and kisses the dip in his collar bone.  
His mouth is hot as he leaves another mark on Theo's skin.  
Theo's breath stutters and he shifts grabbing boris' wrists.

"I like that sound, means you like it" Boris said voice rumbling against Theo's neck.

Theo blushed a deeper red.  
Of course Boris was right.  
He loved it, wished he had more of it, more of boris.  
His insides turned to ice at the thought of asking, he could imagine Boris laughing at him and getting up.  
Looking at theo and seeing what he really was.  
'what? Really, Potter. You think I am a poofter? No! I am simply passing time!'  
And then he would leave.  
Leave Theo there, laying in his bed and stuck with words he couldn't take back.  
'i want more, Boris.. I want to feel you closer. Do you understand?  
But I don't want you to leave after.'

So Theo kept his mouth shut. 

Boris didn't.  
Instead he moved upwards, leaving another mark just under Theo's jaw.  
He kissed Theo like it was all he ever wanted to do with his life.  
His hands trailed down Theo's sides, making his hands clench and breath stutter.  
They continued past his waistband and on to his thighs, squeezing gently.

Theo pressed his legs together as far he could with Boris between his knees.

Boris pulled back then, glancing down Theo and pausing on the semi that tented his pants. 

Theo's heart pounded as boris looked back up to his face. He felt sick with the shame of it.  
"I'm so s-sorry, Boris! It just-" he's talking quickly and Boris cuts him off by placing his hand over his mouth.

"Stop saying sorry. You really like when we kiss, huh?" Boris said smiling, although something in boris' eyes shifted.

Theo didn't respond,  
Couldn't respond.

Boris' eyes roamed slowly down theo again before his hand drifted forward, hooking The waistband of both Theo's pants and boxers.  
"Will you let me?"  
Dark eyes fixed on Theo's face, patiently awaiting a response.

Theo's eyes widened.

'does... Does he mean?'

"Let you what?"his voice is so quiet he's not sure Boris can hear him until Boris responds.

"Let me touch you. I can make you feel good." He said.

Theo stared at him, he felt trembly all over.  
"I-.." his voice was weak.

Boris tugged, lowering Theo's pants just below his hips.  
"I will stop if you tell me to." 

Theo felt like he'd swallowed molten metal. .  
"O-okay."  
A response pulled from God knows where.

Boris tugs Theo's pants down to his thighs, cheeks flushing pink.

Theo covers his face, heart hammering and breath ragged. 

'boris can see you.'

'all of you'

He gasped, flinching at the sensation of Boris' hands on him.  
"Oh fuck."

Boris strokes slowly and gently.  
"Is this okay?" He asks softly.

Theo nods quickly.

Boris pulls his hands back and carefully leans down, licking slowly over the tip of Theo's length.

"H-oh shit!" Theo gasps, a hand tangling in boris' hair and tugging gently.  
Boris takes this as encouragement, taking all of theo  
into his mouth.

'sinful mouth'

'amazing mouth'

Warm hands pressing gently at Theo's hips.  
His eyes flutter open settling hazily on Boris. He looks obscene.  
Theo's hands tangled in his hair head between his legs, cheeks flushed bright red and hands squeezing gently at his thighs.

Boris hollowed his cheeks and swirling his tongue.

Theo's head fell back against the pillow and a rather embarrassing sound fell past his lips.  
Hes already so close.

He tugs on boris' hair.  
"Bo-boris, I swe-ear I'm gonna-"

Boris hums, pulling off slowly and kissing Theo's stomach.  
"Almost done already?" He says, smiling.

Theo nods quickly, trying to catch his breath.

Boris is stroking slowly, watching Theo as he speaks.  
"I must be good, so close already."

Theo shudders, moaning softly as boris picks up his rythm.

"How close?" Boris asked, his tone was soft but urging. "I want to know"

Theo's words caught in his throat, making them come out broken and full of gasps.  
"So cl-hose, Boris. Please d-don' stop!"

Boris kissed his thigh and laughed softly.  
"I would never think of it."

One last stroke tipped Theo over the edge, moaning and trembling, hands gripping boris' shirt. 

Boris kisses his forehead, murmuring soft words against Theo's neck and shoulder as he wiped his stomach clean with the sheets.  
"You're so pretty, never ever thought you would let me have you this way."  
He pulls Theo's boxers back up but tosses his trousers to the floor before laying beside him.

Boris snakes an arm around Theo's waist.

'what have you done?'

'something filthy.'

'the line? The one you we're not supposed to cross? Yea, it's so far behind you, it doesn't even look like a line anymore.' 

Theo grabs boris' arm, his face burns and he feels like he's going to throw up.  
"... boris?" He says quietly.

Boris hums softly, kissing Theo's shoulder.

"...w-what am I..now? To you?" Theo asks. 

'dont ask questions if you don't want the answers.'

"What do you mean? You are you."  
Boris sat up, leaning on his elbow and looking at Theo with love. Too much love.  
Love that he didn't deserve.

"I mean.. y-you just-" he looks everything but Boris. "I let you- and we-"  
Theo's rambling is cut off as boris knocks his knuckles against his head.  
'idiot'

"Potter, I wanted to. I always want you, did you know that? Even when we were kids, but I couldn't tell you.  
Things have changed now, you know how?" Boris said, smiling.

"..how?" Theo's voice come out small.

"Am braver now." He said proudly.  
"So I can tell you. I love you. I mean that, even in the 'i love you so I suck your dick' way. You understand?"

Theo's eyes widen and he blinks quickly.

'thats gay.'

'that a very gay type of I love you.' 

'boris is gay?'

"You... You're uhm... Gay?" Theo asks, voice hushed.

Boris shrugs. "I do both. But... You are the only boy I ever do more than kiss with." He said.

'oh..'

'only... Only me?'

Theo nods slowly.  
"Oh.."

Boris smiles.  
"And you?"

Theo tenses.  
"I-.. I don't know."

'you do'

Boris nods slowly.  
"Still... Still scares you?"  
He asks, his tone is gentle.

Theo blushes, his insides twisting.  
"What still scares me?"  
It comes out a little harsher than he means it to.

Boris doesn't move back though, doesn't even flinch.  
Instead, he actually kisses theo on the cheek.  
"..well, you still scare you. Can I tell you something?" 

Theo doesn't respond, his eyes fixed on the roof.

"One night, when you were laying in the road like... Like you used to do, you were crying really bad.  
Stuff about your mom, stuff about school and home in New York, stuff about your dad but then you tell me something you never said before.  
You were totally out of it, high off your ass and beyond drunk, but you said to me -still crying, very hard to understand- 'Boris. I think I like boys. Like... Like boys how I'm supposed to like girls. I'm a faggot.'  
It broke you, I think. Saying it out loud, because you cried harder but then after awhile you smiled..like you felt good.. better." Boris said.

The words hit Theo like a truck.  
Knocking the wind out of him and leaving him searching for words.

'i told him?'

'i told him!?'

His head was spinning as he looked at Boris again.  
"I told you? I-.. did-"  
He could most definitely throw up.

"Potter, is okay. As I said, I love you." Boris kissed his nose and pressed their foreheads together.

'its okay?'

"I told you.. and, you.. love me?" Theo's voice is quiet, but he can't bring himself to raise it.

"Yes, I love you." Boris kisses him then and it's so gentle.

"I love you." Soft words against boris' skin.  
"I love you too."

Boris smiles, squeezing him tighter and pressing himself closer.

'i love you, boris. I mean it.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless those who read through that disaster. Ily.  
> 🧼 Here's some soap for your eyes.


End file.
